Birthday cakes

Birthdays are good for many reasons; reasons such as beer, presents and general frivolity. They are also a great excuse to make cakes, not just any old cakes but proper, highly decorated, completely over-the-top cakes. The kind of cakes that take a whole day to make, involve scary amounts of butter, chocolate and sugar, and weigh in at over a kilogram. It is no longer just about making something tasty to eat; rather the purpose is to make something that looks amazing. Any pleasure that can be derived from actually consuming the cake is very much a secondary consideration. If the recipient of the birthday cake doesn't feel a pang of guilt when cutting into it, quite frankly, not enough effort has been put into its decoration.

How then to go about making the cake look spectacular? An obvious starting point is to make it into a non-standard shape. It is unlikely that there will be strangely-proportioned baking tins in the cupboard, so a better bet is to make a round or rectangular cake as per usual and then cut it up and put it back together in an unusual fashion, using icing to fill in the gaps. This way the cake can be made to resemble a myriad of objects: a snake, a Lego brick or a house, perhaps.

Next, consider the icing. There are many different types, and the variety chosen will depend on the precise design of the cake. Rolled icing can be best for more regularly-shaped cakes, glacé icing makes a good cement, and creamy chocolate fudge is good for covering imperfections, but perhaps most versatile is simple buttercream. This can be applied using an icing tube with nozzle, or simply smeared on directly with a knife.

The birthday cake will look rather dull if the icing is just white or cream. Bright, gaudy colours are much more fun; obtaining these necessitates the use of food colouring. The little bottles of red, green or blue normally carry a warning, saying for example to only use 1 teaspoon per 250 g of icing, but this guidance should be ignored. After all, the whole point of using food colouring is to produce a vivid, unnatural hue, which often means putting in half a bottle. The people consuming the cake will probably be so high on sugar that they will hardly notice the difference from an extra drop or two of E numbers.

If after the addition of icing the birthday cake is still lacking a certain something, do not fear. A quick peek into the baking aisle at the local supermarket will reveal a mind-boggling assortment of sprinkles, chocolate chips, candles and silver balls. A selection of these should almost certainly make their way onto the cake where they can join other sugary delights such as chocolate-covered raisins, jellybeans and fudge. Worries that the whole thing might be looking rather crowded should be brushed aside; when it comes to birthday cakes the old adage that less is more should be thrown out the window.

Once the cake is complete the problem becomes transporting it to the birthday boy/girl. Often this is no mean feat as the distances are long and the cakes are quite fragile. However, it is possible to get the cake, perfectly intact, to just about anywhere. I personally have carried cakes whilst walking for a couple of kilometres through the suburbs of Birmingham, have taken one on a bus and another on the Underground, and most recently have held onto one for dear life as my boyfriend drove us for 10 miles through the hazard-ridden streets of south-west London.

It is possible that at some point during the epic journey of cake creation and transportation the question "why didn't I just buy one from the supermarket?" will arise. Banish such thoughts. Making a birthday cake from scratch may well cost dearly in both pounds and in time, and afterwards the kitchen will almost certainly resemble a war zone, but it is all worth it. It is worth it because, however good they may taste, and however much hassle they cause to be avoided, shop-bought cakes are lame.

My most recent birthday cake, a mountain complete with chocolate raisin scree, marshmallow sheep, matchmaker trees, a caramel stream and a fudge trig point.